


Walking out of the Closet

by Thepresidentofrussia23



Category: Cobra Kai (Web Series), Cobra Kai (Web Series) RPF
Genre: Death, Lonliness, Love, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-11
Updated: 2019-06-22
Packaged: 2020-03-01 02:44:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 14
Words: 9,319
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18791389
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thepresidentofrussia23/pseuds/Thepresidentofrussia23
Summary: After a breakup with his girlfriend, he begins to question himself and his sexuality as he approaches graduation day and is ready to enter the U.S Army Rangers. What does the future have in store for Eli 'Hawk' Moskowitz. What if he never listened to Kreese and instead listened to his friend and developed feelings for Miguel?"Moon...I....I am gay"





	1. If anything, I'm so sorry

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Hetsez](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hetsez/gifts).



Eli watched as Moon rejected him for a girl, he couldnt belive, years later that it took him a breakup to make him realize that was the wake up call to guide him back to a a somewhat better path. He studied how the they kissed and God, he was angry and jealous and humiliated, is this what he deserved after giving her his heart and soul? To be fair, he started his fair share of brawls in class, he realized, he was wrong as tears flooded his soul and his heart broke into millions of pieces and he ran out of the party and wiped his face away and cleaned and washed them away. Eli stared at Miguel and turned away quickly...NO he wasnt going to think of his friend THAT way...no way jose. He had a cutsey fantasy of him holding hands with Miguel and sharing a joke over some soda and giggling and blushing, now that seemed like a cute fantasy, but god, Sensei Lawrence would never let him live it down ever, and plus his grades were now posted on the page for students to look at and he had several A's and a B in math. He wanted to study Anatomy and Physiology to someday become a medic in the army and save countless lives, he wanted to be at the forefront of action and become tougher and stronger, he wanted to become something more than who he was now. He caught the public transit and rode it to a big transit center and then grabbed three more buses home and then he sat down and did some Trigonometry homework (Fuuuuunnn) ugh he hated triangles and he hated math so much but he enjoyed physics and chemistry and biology as well as anatomy and physiology but his Speech Introduction was a struggle until he developed confidence as well as arrogance after he had reached the semi finals of the All-Valley tournament. He also wanted to someday join team USA and fight in the Olympics and win a gold medal. He was so fearful of thinking why he liked Miguel, perhaps it was a one time thing that he would forget about in the future? He hoped so, he hated these feelings so much, he hated being mixed up and indecisive.


	2. I DEFINETLY am not gay... No I sure am not

Hawk tried to continue his days in a blur, doing his katas and pushups and warmups, then he started applying for a job as a cashier in Yokes Fresh Market and he finally got an interview and only when he sat down, the manager recognized him and said "Hey, you were at the All Valley Tournament! You're hired!" Eli wasn't convinced, there had to be some sort of test behind this and suddenly his Sensei's voice echoed in his mind "Never ever trust the first sign of weakness...EVER!" Eli replied "I reject the job offer, I know you only want to hire me based off a tournament victory, I want to be hired for the merits I have for this job." The job starts tomorrow at nine P.M sharp, its a graveyard shift and that means getting sleep" Eli nodded and shook the hand of the manager and then walked out smiling as the warm sun baked on his head and he started to sweat. His dyed and gelled hair was beginning to flop so he got it cut and washed and combed so that he had a more professional look especially when his boss was going to scrutinize his every word and movement inside the grocery store. His hair was sleeked to the side and the top was silken and smooth and was dyed green and orange to represent the colors of the Yokes company. He then hit the hay and fell asleep fitfully as nightmares plagued him and he woke up gasping for air and then he got up and got dressed in the Yokes apron and name tag that said Eli Moskovic and he wore a ball cap with the same logo on it and then he grabbed a bus to work and rode to work as the moon glowed above the dark sky. He sighed as he checked his Instagram and saw so many posts and then shut off his phone as he tried to look away from Miguel...God, why was that guy so handsome? what was that feeling? he was so disgusted with himself that he could even feel that way, could he be gay? no! no he was not gay he was not gay he was straight and he needed a girlfriend to talk to and to be friends with and to distract himself with, he hated his sexuality being so fluid, what was going on? It probably was puberty and the raging hormones taking over his body perhaps, this was so unfair. He hated this so much. He quickly yanked the wire and then got off the bus and crossed the street and clocked in and did so many checkouts and cashed so many transactions, he was surprised that he didn't pass out from exhaustion already. He then saw the sun rise through the glass doors as his hours ended and he went home for the day and grabbed the bus when he suddenly realized he only had a couple of hours of sleep before he had to go to school....GREAAAT UGGH! He fell on the bed and his eyes slid closed and snored and what seemed like a few seconds later, his alarm on his phone rang a shrill air horn and he swiped "Stop" and got up with slightly dark circles under his eyes but his pockets a bit fuller and he grabbed a apple and got on the bus to school and sat in his classes and nearly dozed through fifth period when his teacher yelled at him and gave him extra homework. Greaaat, what's next? Then he grabbed another bus and rode it to Cobra Kai and then did his katas until Lawrence noticed him slacking off and yelled at him to "QUIETT! FIFTY KNUCKLE PUSHUPS NOW!" By the time he was done, he was ready to fall asleep, and then he ran for the bus home to take a nap again before he had work in three hours. Miguel was worried, what happened to the arrogant Hawk? this Eli was much tired and needed lots of rest and soon as possible, he hoped nothing serious was going on in the Moskovic household.


	3. This is soo so awkward...greaaat...NOT!

As Hawk scanned the burger patties and the buns and assorted veggies and groceries, he assumed it would be just another ordinary customer...instead it was his Sensei's rival. Hawk had heard of serious tension between Kreese and Lawrence, but the fact that the guy just said "Wanna make a name out of yourself or a ordinary work ass out of yourself" just pissed him off so much, Hawk took a few deep breaths down and said calmly "Cash, credit, or check?" Kreese snarked "Why not Debit?" Hawk was getting irritated by this point and said "We don't accept debit, sorry." Soon Kreese pulled out his check book and signed the check and Hawk ran it through the machine and the transaction was completed and then Kreese added "Ya know? Keep my offer in mind. Strike hard, strike fast, no mercy." Hawk rolled his eyes once again and added dully and cheerfully "Thank you for shopping at Yokes, come back soon." As his shift ended and he folded up his apron and ball cap carefully in his backpack, he saw Lawrence entering the shop and he quickly scurried to the bus stop cubicle which was out of the line of sight of Johnny's Thunderbird and waited and waited until the bus came and then he scanned his bus pass and then he sat in the back seat and rode it all the way to the transit center near the River and then boarded another bus and took that one to his high school...today was the day he would pick up his black cap and gown, and he would no longer attend All-Valley High school, he was now Salutorian to a young International Exchange student named Ajit Kapoor from Hyderabad, India. Ajit and Eli would hang out frequently especially in the days before he discovered his Hawk identity, as soon as he won the championship, he and Ajit drifted apart in their own social circles, Hawk joined the jocks and jockettes and Ajit stayed with the computer coders and programmers and now they were together, it felt so...strange, like the past and the present were clashing together. They were once friends but now, they were anything but friends. They both stared at each other for a moment before lining up for the cap and gown handouts because rehearsals would soon start tonight (Ugh fuck, he would have to miss rehearsal in order to get a good amount of money to start studying on his own in college). Plus with his acceptance letter arriving today, he wanted to see if he had been accepted to Oxford University in England, he wanted to study at the world's most prestigious university and refine his skills in Anatomy and Physiology as his major, he loved how the ability and the knowledge of the Anatomy of the human being gave him the ability and the knowledge on how to save or take a life. That was a great and terrible responsibility especially for any person entering medicine to acknowledge, he was slowly drifting away from Cobra Kai and forging his own path slowly and carefully, he was frightened that one misstep could send him back on the path to darkness again and that was what he dreaded the most when his strength was already limited and he had only the knowledge but no ability to ever apply such knowledge to modify his techniques, and so he trained all he could in what little time he had in the day because his nights were filled with work and he began to jog to the dojo instead of riding the bus and that helped him become healthier and have a stronger stamina and yet he dreaded Kreese and feared that aging man especially from what he had heard...Even Johnny pulled him aside and said "The hell is going on? you wanna become Cobra Kai or not? You can only pick one side in this and that's our side" And at that moment Hawk realized his loyalty for Cobra Kai died and he pulled off the belt and said "Sensei. I quit. I have other priorities in life to take care of. Cobra Kai is merely a stepping stone in that life." And with that, Eli left his persona and his fame with a stunned Johnny Lawrence.


	4. I guess this is really the end of an era.

When I received the mail in the box, I ripped it open and it had the dreaded words that no prospecting student ever wanted to hear: That their application was rejected. To say that I was crushed was a gross understatement and it wouldn't even begin to cover the feelings of disappointment that I felt deep inside...After all that studying and all that taking of exams, it all amounted to nothing in the end. My hopes of going to Oxford were gone in the wind and crumbled like dust and were gone in the wind forever. I then laid on my bed for what seemed like hours on end, I feel like at some point, time ceased to exist as deep inside, I felt this sorrow and shame that ripped a hole in my heart. This was not what I had expected at all, although I had mentally prepared myself for such a moment, it did not ease the sting of the pain at all. I wanted to cry so much, but I had no tears to shed, there were no tears to shed at all in the first place, a Cobra Kai never cries, ever. That was the unspoken rule of Cobra Kai Dojo. So I refused to cry, but deep inside, my soul was weeping loudly for what my eyes couldn't do. I sighed and went to the recruiting station and eventually was recruited to the United States Army, I couldn't believe that boot camp was soon starting and that I was going to have to fight for my country to defend my friends and possibly die for them in order to find some sort of redemption for what I did in the past. I stared at the victory photo, all of us smiling except for Sensei Lawrence, who just grimly stared at the camera like it was Daniel LaRusso. I honestly thought that this feud had to end, if I was going to die in action, I don't want them fighting at my funeral. I honestly want them to stop this madness, it needs to end of all things. Speaking of Karate, Miguel just knocked on the door and I opened it and saw him in nice casual clothes and god, I think my cheeks just turned pink. Whoops, oh my god, I wanna slam the door and fucking die already so soon. But instead I let him in and we spent a few hours decorating our caps and chattered like nothing in the world was wrong. The back of my mortarboard was decorated with the Army Rangers logo and Miguel decorated his with the logo of the University of Miami and I envied him so much. It almost annoyed me to a extent but I smiled and I think I turned pinker in the cheeks as he smiled and we took a picture and showed off our graduation caps and when I took a look at it, I couldn't help but smile for real this time. This was a memory I would cherish for the rest of my life, if I even had one that is. Sensei LaRusso came over and asked "You okay Eli?" I replied "I'm good as I can be." LaRusso was suspicious and asked "I know what it's like to pretend everything is ok..." And that was when I just said "I'm going to join the Army Rangers." And Daniel was so taken back at it that I had to repeat what I had just said to him so that he could process my words, clearly he had not expected me to do this with my life at all. Well sometimes unexpected things happen in life and I was desiring something better than how I was being treated like I was worth nothing much.


	5. I'm not here to be friends with you, I'm here to escape from my past

I was packing my things and I put them away in my suitcase and I put it in the bus and so I was off and away from the Valley and I was going to San Diego to train with the other recruits. I stood in line with the others as I got my eyes examined and my heart was examined and then I had my height measured and my weight was measured as well. Then I was given a pair of gold rimmed glasses and I put them on and god, I looked like a fucking nerd all over again. There was no way in hell that I was ever going back to my home again with these nerdy glasses. I blushed when Miguel texted me that he missed me so much and that he hoped that I would come home someday. When I took a look around, my vision seemed much much clearer than I thought it would be. It was an amazing feeling to be able to see the world with such clarity and to see what I could truly be when I was truly free of my past. Suddenly a yell broke us out of our thoughts and he yelled "LISTEN UP YOU MAGGOTS! YOU BETTER PAY ATTENTION BECUASE I WON'T SAY IT TWICE, I'M IN CHARGE AND YOU ARE THE MAGGOTS WHO LISTEN! AM I UNDERSTOOD?" Everybody including me shouted "SIR YES SIR!" But the Drill Sergeant wasn't satisfied and yelled "I CANT HEAR YOU!" And we yelled "SIR YES SIR!" And then we were herded into the showers and we were handed a standard issue Recruit uniform fatigues and I made my call home to my family who were very proud of me that I made the decision to do something right for once in my life. I still thought of Miguel even as I stood in line to pick up my soap, loofah and other stuff that I needed to live in the barracks and I climbed to my bunk and I wrote a letter for the first time to Miguel, however I had no intention on sending it to Miguel at all.   
Dear Miguel Diaz,  
Today I arrived at San Diego after several hours of riding the transit and my back was sore and it was peaceful and quiet until it suddenly wasn't when the Drill Sergeant yelled at us like Sgt. Hartmann did to the Marine recruits. I feel like another maggot to be crushed in the system, however I cannot help but feel I am serving a higher purpose more than I ever though before. I hope all is well with your mom and with the Dojo, send my best wishes to everyone. I hope that Moon is doing well with her girlfriend...I wish I could tell you that I really want to say something that might chane the way you see about me forever. I have no idea if you will even write back or even listen to me or look at me at all, but here goes...Miguel Diaz, I love you. I love you not in the brotherly sort of way but in the way that I would kiss you and I would savor it forever and date you and I would cherish you forever sort of love. I love you so much that it hurts inside to suppress these feelings I have had since I met you. Seeing you makes my heart flutter deep inside and seeing you heartbroken over your breakup with Sam breaks me too. I wish I could heal your breaking heart and show you how much I love you with all my entire being and how much I want to date you and oh god, I could go on forever and ever. My heart races with joy thinking of your smile. Most of the guys here have girlfriends pictures pinned up, I have a picture of you pinned up near my bed so I can imagine you right by me, even though there is so much distance between us, I guess this is for the better.  
Sincerely,  
Eli Moskowitz


	6. Opening a new chapter is never easy

A few weeks later, Miguel sent me a letter that said:   
Dear Eli,  
Hearing from you makes me so happy deep inside. Knowing that you and I feel the same way makes me glad inside. I thought I was the only one felt this way about you. Eli, you don't need the confidence of a lion to show that you are special. Sometimes it means being there for others and never giving up on your dreams. And when I see you smile, I can barely keep my feelings inside. By the way, Sensei Lawrence misses you so much, although he doesn't say it much, he pains for you. He often stares at the medal that you earned in the tournament and always wishes he had done better. I can see the pain in his eyes. Even Moon misses you so much, and so do I, waiting for you here in Los Angeles is torture. I think of your eyes and god, it makes me sad to see how you have changed since the tournament ended so long ago. Now that you might go to a war zone, that frightend me more especially when I could lose you to death so soon, so easily, I want to at least take you out for coffee and to get to know you better as a person and to talk and laugh and to share some smiles without the worries of the Cobra Kai haunting over our minds at every moment. Maybe we could go to the San Diego zoo or to Disney world or to some fun place where we can have some fun. So please be safe and come back home when you can.  
Sincerely,   
Miguel Diaz.  
I folded the letter and pumped my fist and blushed so red that I thought that I was turning into a tomato but god, I was so happy to hear from him again and gosh I could feel the butterflies in my stomach fluttering like crazy. I could go over the moon with a happiness that I have never felt, not even when Cobra Kai won the All-Valley Championship. I wore my fatigues and we were forced to do all sorts of shit including running for seven miles in the stinking heat and humidity to the point that it clung onto my skin and I stank of sweat and there was no hair dying allowed and my hair was shaved off to the point that it was a Jar Head style hair cut and that wasn't the worst part, the worst was that I was forced to take off all jewelry and I was handed a standard set of dog tags that had my name, birth day, social security number, citizenship number, blood type, gas mask size and any allergies I suffered from. Since I was allergic to Penicillin, I couldn't get the vaccination for that. My stutter was corrected through speech therapy and through vocal exercises and It was a lot of hard work but I felt like it would all pay back in the end if I survived long enough through training camp. Soon we had to do climbing and abseiling exercises and we were learning self defense known as SCARS and the guy who demonstrated the exercises and my muscles and my body were screaming for mercy, this guy was better than me, I was so arrogant that I had forgotten that there would always be someone better than me at something and this was another wake up call for me to realize and it was so humiliating as I wrestled him like I was trying to take down a greased pig in muddied fields and god I was sweaty, sticky and muddy to hell and back, my nails had dirt embedded in them and my skin was gross and my body felt so numb and weak and horrid. I was so fucking tired. I wanted to pass out and fall asleep and sleep until my muscles were healed, was that too much to ask for? As I closed my eyes and fell asleep, I dreamt of Diaz and I playing some awesome video games and we kissed...not in the hot steamy way, but in a gentle way. I loved the flavor in his lips and I loved him so much and I would give anything up for him. I woke up several hours later and I was nervous as we all were told to all exercise and we did drills, god so many drills were done on us that I felt like fainting. Cobra Kai was a vacation in comparison to this! I swear this was the hardest thing to do since him telling me to do fifty knuckle pushups and being demoted to white belt! Gosh I hated that day! It was a huge humiliation and the fact that he had the audacity to do so in front of my friends, was worse.


	7. Graduation Day....HOOORAYY!

I finally was done with training after weeks and months of hard work, I was finally done, I was planning to go to Camp Geiger once I finishes here and get specialized training in being a medic, my medical knowledge would definetly come in use there. I loved seeing people get better and stronger from whatever ailed them. I loved helping heal the body and seeing how it worked and all its mysteries. There was always something new to learn in my opinion and I was ready to learn no matter what it took. I was always a curious boy when I was young, I always played with toys and medical ones were my favorite, I loved to pretend I was a doctor so I could heal the patients who were usually my parents and they tried their best to play along despite the fact that they had work and their own lives that didn't involve me. I hated my stutter from the beginning and it was why I was bullied so hard and I was a hated person from Elementary school, everyone saw me as public enemy no. 1 and that hurt so much inside. I tried so hard to fix my stutter but it didn't work. It was only when Sensei Lawrence came into my life and taught me how to flip the script and to become someone different. But it came at a horrible cost of who I was in deep within. Ajit hated me for being arrogant and ignored me often after the All-Valley championship and I resented and hated him. But now, I realize that what I did was the total opposite of what I should have done, instead of staying classy and cool and humble, I became a bully, no better than the bullies that hurt me within. I realized then that I fucked up something really special with Ajit. Our graduation was going to be tomorrow so I was gonna go there after graduating from here as well. I was nervous as hell, and I wanted to deliver the proper speech that I could. I breathed in and out as I wore my dress uniform which looked beautiful and I could stare at it forever. I had a navy blue beret on my head that covered my right eye partially and my suit jacket had a couple of medals from marksmanship and skill in hand to hand combat, my dress trousers were well fitting and I would graduate with high honors. I walked carefully and precisely to the beat and stood at rest position as the main guy, the secretary of defense delivered his speech and then the General also delivered his speech and we all swore the oath. I chanted with the others "I, do solemnly swear that I will support and defend the constitution of the United States against all enemies foreign and domestic; that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same, and that I will obey the orders of the President of the United States of America and the orders of the officers appointed over me according to regulations and the Uniform Code of Military Justice. So help me God!" I looked down at my beautiful uniform and I cried a bit out of happiness as I saw my mom and dad and the entire Cobra Kai was there. Even Miguel was there, his skin was bronzed and his hair was sleek and I held his hand and we had no words, we just stared at each other for so long that even Daniel broke the tension and said "Oh cmon, are you gonna forget all about us as well?"  
After the ceremony, we all ate and drank so much soda at the local All-You-Can-eat restaurant that they ran out of food and the soda machine broke but we had good clean fun and it was so much happiness, even Team MiYagi Do came to celebrate and I was so happy, I didn't care about the rivalry. I just loved this family and I loved the fun and warm atmosphere and I loved the laughter and the fun smiles everyone had on their faces. I loved talking to everyone. But the only person I couldn't get out of my mind was Miguel


	8. Romance, it sure as hell is complicated

Gosh, expressing my feelings was so easy. Now I have to constantly worry about things that I usually never thought about, like for example; what to wear, what to say, what to do in certain situations and it goes on and on and on. It does get really confusing when I think of the social norms that really are complex and have many subsections of rules that can't be understood at first glance. I do think that romance was designed to be discouraging and complex at first sight, but to be honest, I have to do lots of communication of what I like, dislike and so on and so forth. It can be a bit of a hassle because well...gosh I have no experience in a proper and serious relationship that I think can have fruition for once. I don't wanna fuck up this relationship so badly that I never hear from Miguel and speaking of the beautiful angel, he's here. I opened the door and I saw Miguel in a nice suit and gosh he was so beautiful, even in his Gi he was handsome, I literally couldn't form a sentence before he closed my mouth and held my hand and I blushed like a tomato. I on the other hand was dressed in my suit as well and I could tell he was blushing as well and he opened me the door to his car and we drove off to a nice restaurant and we sat in a booth and then we chattered through the night and gosh the jokes he had to say, it was awesome, like Miguel was becoming his sweet nerdy self as well, I wanted to kiss his cheek and seeing his eyes glint like that was beautiful, it made this night all the more special and I wanted to savor every second of it before I had to go to Camp Geiger and begin advanced training. I was really impressed with the service and the food was delicious but the company was even better, even though I knew that moments like these would be rare, I would cherish them with all I had and when he dropped me off at home, he gave me a gentle peck on the cheek and I blushed again...great that's biology for you then, I am a hopeless romantic for sure, there is no way anybody could convince me otherwise. I wanted to tell him that I loved him, but how could I express that in words? I wasn't sure. The next day I saw Sensei Lawrence teaching a new brood of kids as well as the older ones and he welcomed back with the fanfare of "QUIET!" and after class he snapped at me and said "Crawling back here again?" I just simply replied "I just wanted to see you again before I went to camp Geiger and well, I think you're doing a pretty great job of teaching the students. I think you're a great sensei, I'm sorry I left Cobra Kai" For a second I can see a brief hint of sadness and regret, but he soon quashes it with a "I don't need your damn words of validation! After all you did and that's how you repaid me?"  
At that moment, I had nothing more to say, I had finished my words and I left because there was no point in arguing with a stubborn mule and that my friend is a tough thing to do. I never wanted to start another fight, but that's exactly what I did, after I died.


	9. Trying to walk out of the closet

I knew I couldn't live a life as a straight man, I never was a straight man, I was probably bisexual or gay, it didn't matter, all that mattered to me was the fact that I had to come out of the closet, this was going to be hard and it would make me lose lots of friends and many would hate me and never want to hear from me again, I don't blame them, I understood that what they were raised with was contradicting what we were supposed to do, to treat each other with dignity and respect and to be kind to others and to be humble no matter what. I loved Miguel with all my heart and I didn't want to lie about it anymore, it was hard enough as it is to have discovered this part of myself, but I knew it was gonna be harder to share it with my parents and with my relatives and with especially Sensei Lawrence and he hates new stuff, he is stuck in the 60's mentality and I'm not sure whether or not coming out to him would be a good idea, this is the same guy that mocked Miguel for possibly being on the autistic spectrum on the first day we met and that saddens me so much. But I have to eventually rip off the band aid at some point. I can't have my mom insisting me to marry someone that I don't love, because deep inside, my relationship with Moon was already crashing into pieces, it took her to kiss her girlfriend to make me realize and embrace what was truly deep inside all this time, I did love her and I still do to this very day, I swear I love Moon, but I don't love her as I used to, I only love her as a sister, I hope she can find happiness wherever she is, and speaking of whom, she's here and gosh she's still as beautiful as ever and she's now sitting next to me. Moon began "I'm glad you're in the army, you can now fulfill so many dreams that you never did before." I was pretty quiet and I decided...here goes nothing "Moon...I'm...I'm gay" and then Moon smiles the biggest smile ever and says "Well, I sure hope things work out between you and Miguel, you both are hanging out a lot together now a days." And I couldn't help but blush at the mention of his name and Moon giggled slightly and then she said "Ya know, if you want, ill throw a coming out parties for both of us!" And then I realized, this was a wonderful way to come out and I said "Sure, lets invite everyone" and I was so excited, and we made plans for the party to be soon as Camp Geiger would start in two weeks and I had to report to camp before the training sessions started soon. I was excited to get over the coming out process, we hung up lesbian and gay flags and had rainbow and pink everything. We had a cake that had two layers, one was pink and the other one was rainbow and we blew up so many balloons and snacks as well as party favors and treats and candies and I felt so proud as we high fived in midair as the first guests arrived, and gosh as the party grew bigger, even Johnny came and he actually said "Hey, I actually like this for once, ya know, you have to invite me to your guy's weddings."


	10. In camp Geiger

Two weeks after the coming out party, I was carrying my suitcase to the airport and flying to Geiger in a mega monster plane to South Carolina. I have never been there in my entire life, I wonder if the climate is just like California, I wonder if they have A/C cooling units, knowing the military for how harsh they are, that probably is going to be a 'no'. I grabbed my shit from the overhead bin and hauled it with me and when I exited the building, god, I fucking regretted the moment I stepped out cause, man I was already sweating like a virgin in a whorehouse, ready to be fucked away into oblivion and my body to melt away with pain rather than pleasure. My phone buzzed as the public transit rolled up and I boarded the bus and sat down and then checked my phone and it was Miguel...he was sending me a bunch of bisexual flags...I blushed so deeply and I wrote "You are always gonna be my awesome and amazing Miguel Diaz deep inside" and he sent a dancing gif and a kissing sticker and I knew I had made my boyfriend's day so much better and I loved that. I loved Miguel so much, I wanted to make him happy, I would move oceans for him. When I was dating other girls, I never felt this way for any of them, even though they had amazing personalities and were good looking, I only dated them to conceal my true sexuality, I kept lying to myself over and over again that I was straight my entire life, I was wallowing in self hatred my entire life, it was a constant struggle between the façade I had built and the reality that was burning down the damn house of cards that I had built over time, I hated this reality so much. However I had just torn down that house of cards and built up a new stronger home that would stand up to the harsh reality and that was much better than a consistent lie over time in hopes of something going away. I got out of the bus and entered the complex and gosh the A/C bathed me in a coolness that I just embraced with my damn life, I loved A/C but I would have to someday work in areas without A/C or anything that had to do with the modern luxuries of this planet. I probably would never see modern luxuries in my deployment abroad, it was a scary but realistic thought that I would have to do without the luxuries that made us soft in the first place. I then got onto my bunk and fell asleep, travelling was always a bit hard on my body and it took me a while to get used to a new place whenever I moved. I remember constantly moving and never having friends thanks to the fact that whenever I moved, it was so far away from the previous home that I would have no chance of contacting or reaching out to them eve. I wonder how they are doing now, I miss them everyday, I do hurt over the loss of my old friends but its time to move on and heal from that loss. I have no time to grive and mourn as my textbooks on medicine and pharmacology sciences and surgical anatomy and so many medical textbooks that my backpack felt like it was going to burst at the seams going from class to class and my shoulders were screaming in pain so I basically bought a roller backpack and god, it was waay better and it saved me so many hours of agony and gosh I was feeling so much better.


	11. War is hell

They depict men and women in acts of heroism to the point that war is a romantic notion, that notion is a outdated one. I have seen many of my friends blown to bits and pieces, when hours earlier we were chatting and joking about the weather and how it would fuck up everything. God, I wish I was wrong but the rain and the snow and sleet and being in the fucking Alps, trying to shoot down a terrorist cell that was beginning to grow was not my way of having fun, and even worse, I had to try and save them from an inevitable fate of death and that sickened me and nauseated me. The innocent notions of getting along and making world peace die here today as I haul away another one of my buddies who is bleeding out and I'm screaming for medevac to haul ass because I am losing him, his blood pressure is systolic and his vitals are bottoming out on me, I am trying to bandage his cuts and bullet wounds, I am pumping adrenaline into his body so he can stay awake, I start talking to him saying "Hey, bud, what's your name?" I obviously knew his name, but I was grasping at straws to keep him awake and he moaned "I'm...Nathaniel...Bowman" I was so fucking desperate to save him, I already knew his name, I built a connection with him so I said "So where are you from?" Nathaniel murmured "West Virginia" He was beginning to start coughing blood and his face was beginning to pale rapidly and the heli landed, I grabbed the backboard and loaded him onto the stretcher as I grabbed the AB- blood bag and inserted the needle into his vein and kept suturing his wounds, I was not only a combat medic, I was also a combat surgeon with heavy amounts of experience and I now had an M.D. I was Dr. Hawk to my patients but to my husband, I was just Eli. Explosions could be heard outside even as the heli took off and I shuddered at how much things had changed since ten years ago when I left camp Geiger. It was insane to think that I could survive this, the heli landed and several nurses and doctors swarmed him and I barked out orders as I straddled him, desperately doing CPR, I had to try my hardest, He was someone I had just gotten close to as a friend, not just another grunt whining about their stomach aches, he was a living and breathing human being. I had to keep trying as we were hauled into the surgery room and I scrubbed down and wore a surgical gown, cap, mask and gloves as I washed down my hands and arms carefully and furiously as the blood stained the pure and pristine water a pinkish red and I scurried inside and I gently encouraged the attendings "We can do this, this is any other surgery" But I felt like there was something bothering me, I wasn't sure what, but I had a patient to save, I grabbed my scalpel and cut through layers of flesh and gore poured out of the stomach as I pulled out bullets and tried to stich him up, but his heart suddenly stopped and I gasped and grabbed the paddles and tried to revive him, but in the end, it was of no use, he was gone and I draped the white cloth over him and the coroner came in and took the body away and I slowly peeled away my blood soaked gloves and tossed them in the rubbish bin and threw away the rest of the waste and went to the shower and turned on the cold water and cried under the water soaking me and my clothes for a long time. I sobbed my eyes out, I wondered why did good people like him have to die? Why? He probably had a family, friends that would miss him and a wife or a girlfriend perhaps, I lay in bed, thinking of him and the countless many that I had lost throughout my career, I can honestly say that it doesn't get better, as a Dr. I have made terrible mistakes that have cost people their lives and it weighs heavily on my concise so much, its like this terrible leaden weight that I have to drag with me for the rest of my life and I hated that so much. Every loss broke and shattered a part of me, I hated this so much. I fell to my knees and sobbed as quietly as I could


	12. This trauma threatens to destroy me!

The breathing is getting faster and faster, my chest is getting tighter and tighter, I feel so dizzy as I can hear fading voices around me, I don't understand why this is going on, I just want it all to stop. I can remember the crimson blood of that man staining my pristine and pure white gloves, like its corroding my soul, I have washed my hands so many times but this time, the death of a close one hits me so hard in my gut, it is hard to recover in the first place. All I want is for the flashbacks to stop haunting me, I want my self hatred to end, and mostly, I want to die, I hate my life and how it has ended up so far, I hate how it took so many decisions and mistakes to get this far, this isn't how it was supposed to go so far, I was supposed to be somewhere else! I hear Miguel's gentle and patient voice pushing through the noise of the panic in my head and I am able to pull through by listening to him, his voice is sweet music to my ears and yet it is my tether in pulling me back from the abyss of chaos and it helps me retain my sanity for a temporary amount of time and I am glad for that. His warm chocolaty eyes bore into mine and I cannot help but gravitate back towards his soft and gentle touch and he says "All better?" And I shakily nod and drink a glass of water because the panic attack has made me so thirsty and tired and I want to sleep but he's here with me and I am at home, safe for now, the war is wildly raging in the jungles and I need some peace and quiet for a month or two before I am sent back to try and save more lives and abjectly fail as a result. I hate the thought of failure, it is worse than losing a Karate tournament, somebody else's life is on the line and when they need you, you need to be precise and accurate or else there is no way you will ever be able to save them at all. Being calm is a important lesson in life, you have to be disassociated from the person and be able to make proper decision, being emotional is not a way to be able to make decisions nor is it an option in a clinical profession like this. I fear so much could go wrong and they always often go wrong, I am able to save many, lives but the more I save, there are countless others I couldn't save, they outnumber the ones I could save, but this is combat, some of them have injuries beyond the ability of any skilled surgeon to save them, that is what breaks me inside because I always want to be able to save everyone that I come across. It does hurt me so much but in the end, I have to believe that they are in a better place than they are now. I hope they all rest in peace and I hope they are enjoying themselves where there is no pain, trauma, nor is there suffering ever to be felt in heaven. I weep for their souls everyday when I have the time to mourn and to recuperate from what I have seen in this life, I never thought that I actually would even make it this far in life much less become a surgeon. There is so much to reflect on even now, my life is a moment of existence, fleeting and brief and when I am dead, I will only have that time to realize what a wonderful thing, life is before it is gone, slipping through the fingers of our hands like sand as it blows away from distance and our deeds that dry up with us, that my friends is a disturbing one.


	13. Return to the fields of blood

I packed my things once more, Miguel looked sadder and more heartbroken, like he wanted to say something but was holding back because he wasn't sure how I would react. He took a deep breath before beginning "Our surrogate is pregnant, we're gonna be dads." I was so freakishly happy, the happiness was innumerable and I couldn't even speak, I was so amazed by this. It was a freaking miracle that our surrogate was pregnant with our kid. They had used my sample and had injected her about a month ago and now I wished I didn't have to leave either, but duty was calling, I spoke up "I am so happy for us. I'll come back and I'll never leave, we will raise our kid together and we will always be together forever." I kissed him and I could feel his soft lips touching mine before we started a heavy make out session and our tongues began to clash and battle and his mouth was so damn delicious, time started to cease existing at that moment, I really didn't care if I was late at this point, I loved my husband and I wanted to be there for him and our baby, I honestly wanted to keep living for his sake and for the baby's sake, I wanted to keep going for him forever. I would lift the sky and take the place of Atlas if I had to save him from death or harm. I would do whatever it took to make my love happy, I would do whatever it took to make him smile and to make him feel good. I would kiss him if could for all of eternity, but time was of the essence. I had to keep going and I had to do this for the sake of my country. I wanted to stay with him, but I had to go. I finished packing my things and I kissed him one last time and I got in my car and drove away into the airport and got into the plane and soon I was off to another country, to see if I could save more lives, if only I could truly save them all, that would be a naïve dream, I would really love to save them all but reality was not always so kind, I hated reality, but once again, I was trapped in the death throes of a war that was raging on since four years ago, I hated war, but war was profit for many people and that was even more profitable. I hated how we have to make thes power ploys and I hated how they enjoyed causing bloodshed and countless lost lives and broken hearts. I then woke up from my nap and I realized I was back in Malaysia, a war zone. I then got my things and left the airplane and then I arrived at the base and then I sighed as I was back in the same miserable hospital where the dying, groaning, bleeding, souls were there to greet me and many actually hugged me and a few waved to me and that actually made my day a helluva lot better than usual. I then smiled and saluted a few of them, they deserved respect and kindness after what they had been through in their lives, I wished I could take away their pain but I couldn't. I then did three surgeries and at least two hundred checkups because we had a shortage of doctors on hand and I was needed to help them do the checkups, hence more paperwork. Ugh I hate paperwork of all things.


	14. The ghosts of death

Explosions shook the buldings and people were bleeding and dying, the war was wrapping up, but the fury and anger of the terrorists groups loss would never fade away, it would be an eternal pain that would damn generations of sons and daughters to hold unnecessary grudges that would forever stunt growth and harmony. Dr. Hawk was alone, evacuating all his patients and heavily wounded, his arm was in a sling and nurses shouted at him to save himself, he didn't listen at all. He was never going to abandon his patients, a doctor never abandons the patient, even if it means their life. He would fight until eternity for the men and women who wormed their way into his heart and became a part of his life forever, he would keep killing for America, he swore to obey their orders and their orders he would obey until his body was draped with the stars and stripes. More explosions rang through the area as the last patients were evacuated and he was alone, alone and hopeless as there was no room left in the ambulance for him. He didn't care. He would rather die a thousand times over than to leave one of his family behind to die, he would never do that ever. He stabbed and killed with his skills from Kreese and Lawrence, but his wounds were too much and he succumbed to blood loss and dehydration and closed his eyes as the blood soaked the sands of eternity. He was Dr. Hawk to his patients, but he was Eli to his husband, that day, both died and met their maker.   
__________________________  
Miguel was at home, he was finishing his studies for accounting when the doorbell rang and he answered it, when he saw the two uniformed men before his door, his world fell at his feet as he was sat down and he was told in the gentlest terms that his husband was killed in action, that Eli Moskowitz was dead...gone forever. All Miguel could do was howl and scream and cry, he screamed "NOOOOOOOOOO NOOOOOO....NONONO! NOOOOOOO! NOT MY AMO! NOT MY LOVE! NOO! Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!" Tears streamed down Miguel's face like rivers his chest shook and heaved with sobs and raw grief, he was a widower, alone and drowning in his grief and all he had was these two uniformed men who would not leave him alone, his hands trembled and shook as he gripped the wedding photograph of him and Eli, they were kissing and combing each others hair with their fingers, molding into one and now, that part of him was ripped away, forever, he was a gold star spouse and he hated it so much, he wanted his love back, he wanted his soul back, he didn't know how he was going to raise their baby on his own. Lawrence, LaRusso, Keene and his mother came and tried to comfort him, Moon and her wife Piper tried their best but he was inconsolable, they knew his soulmate was dead and Miguel was dead with him as well. At the funeral, the traditional military honors were conducted and the flag was folded and handed to a bereaved Diaz, he hugged the folded flag and the dogtags, he was wearing a black headband as a symbol of grief and mourning, that he would never move on, he would never heal from losing Eli. Carmen watched her son dissolve into a pile of tears, screaming towards the heavens, kneeling on her son in law's grave, begging God to give him back, even his YaYa wept in sympathy for him, they all felt his pain, his hollowness, Lawrence had no words to console the broken man, the man who lost his spouse to death, to war, to a preventable horror. All of them did a final bow of respect to Eli at his grave, even LaRusso was worried for Miguel, he barely ate, but always drank glasses of water, as if it would fill the hole in his heart. Even Keene began to start crying, it was so painful to see his former rival mourn like this, he wanted to hate Diaz, he wanted to see that man as an enemy, but he only saw someone who loved a man who gave his life as an act of love for America and left behind a trail of wreckage for Diaz to navigate on his own.


End file.
